Luke 11:37-54. The paraphrase below is a combination of texts from Luke and Matthew along with Tom's inserted modernization of some key words and phrases.
Matthew and Luke Re-Mixed:
When Jesus had finished speaking, a Pastor invited him to eat with him; so Jesus went in and reclined at the table. But the Pastor was surprised when he noticed that Jesus did not first wash his hands before the meal.
Then the Lord said to him, “Now then, you Pastors clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you—be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.
“Woe to you Pastors, because you give God a tenth of your mint, dill and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.
“Woe to you Pastors, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and respectful greetings in the marketplaces.
“Woe to you, because you are like unmarked graves, which people walk over without knowing it.”
One of the Priests answered him, “Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also.”
Jesus replied, “And you Priests, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
“Woe to you pastors and Priests, hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which indeed look fine on the outside but inside are full of dead people’s bones and all kinds of rottenness. Likewise, you indeed appear to people from the outside to be good and honest, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.
“Woe to you pastors and Priests, hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the Saints, and you say, ‘Had we lived when our ancestors did, we would never have taken part with them in the blood of the prophets.’ In this you testify against yourselves that you are descendants of those who murdered the prophets and you fill up the measure of your ancestors.
“Snakes! Descendants of vipers! How can you escape being condemned to hell?
“Because of this, look: I will continue to send to you prophets and sages and priests — some of them you will kill and will execute on a stake; some of them you will publicly abuse in your churches and roust out from one town to the next. And so, on you will fall the guilt for all the blood of the saints poured out on the earth, from the blood of Stephen the first martyr to the blood of Martin Luther King Jr, whom you murdered on the balcony outside his hotel room. Yes! I tell you that all this will fall on this generation!
“Jerusalem! Jerusalem! You kill the prophets! You stone those who are sent to you! How often I wanted to gather your children, just as a hen gathers her chickens under her wings, but you refused! Look! Your house is left to you desolate. For I tell you, from now on, you will not see me again until you say, ‘Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord.’”